Our series on building Trust continues with this new post, the keyword here is access to classified info. Enjoy this part.
8. Learn to say NO! Sometimes you need to say NO! Often it is crucial to say NO! Saying NO sets boundaries around you that protects you from being hurt or venturing into territory that will be destructive to your heart and soul.
You draw a line. You stop tolerating that which drains energy and makes you less than YOU. You refuse to allow the destructive behaviors of others to destroy you. You build a moat around the core of your life. You do this by informing the other person of what they are doing. You request they stop. If they don’t stop, you demand they stop. If they don’t stop you walk away without a snide remark, eye-roll or comment.
To some this seems harsh, but saying NO is RESPECTED. Fear is the basis of mistrust. If you fear that someone will hurt you and believe you have no recourse but to endure that hurt, fear will prevail. How can you trust when you are in fear? Saying NO, protecting yourself, sends a message to the other person that you will not live in fear.
This usually triggers a response of respect from the other person. After all, if you can protect yourself and refuse subjugation to that which is destructive, will not the other person come to trust you and see you as a person who just might protect him/her from harm as well? You also need to get a first hand information about what is amiss between the two of you, that can only come when you have acess to classified information from heaven.
Monday, 12 June 2017
Monday, 5 June 2017
SEVEN THINGS YOU SHOULD GIVE YOUR SPOUSE DAILY
I'm taking a break from the ongoing series on trust building in relationship. The interlude I'm bringing is a quick shot in the arm that you will agree is a powerful spice to the series. Please endeavour to read the previously posted parts of the series if you're just getting here for the first time. How I wish I've met this post before now, however it's never too late.
It's a piece written by a good friend.
SEVEN THINGS YOU SHOULD GIVE YOUR SPOUSE DAILY: When it comes to giving,many married people are generous to everybody except their spouses. There are seven things you should give your spouse daily. This are not weekly , monthly or annual giving. They are things you must give your spouse daily. Let's see them:
1. Give your spouse a touch: One of the ways to bond with your spouse is to give him or her a touch. We have encouragement touch, affirmation touch, healing touch, apology touch, and we have sexual touch. Study your partners and know what touch to give at a particular time. If you want God to touch your marriage, touch your spouse. Don't let today go like that without touching your partner.
2. Give your spouse a Space: As much as you need to bond with your spouse and be together for daily intimacy, communication, affection, planning, etc ,yet, you still need to give your spouse his /her space. There is time for couples prayers, time for couples bonding. Also there is time for personal prayer, personal meditation, personal rest, personal planing, etc. Don't choke your spouse. Don't be over- possessive and over demanding to your spouse. Stop unnecessary policing and monitoring. Give your spouse a space they need when they need it.
3: Give your spouse a call/ chat: Some people can chat with all the contacts on their phones & all the friends on their friends list on Facebook. But they will never chat or call their spouse throughout the day. Chatting or calling your spouse in a day at work is a way of saying, 'Dear, despite my busy schedule, I have you in mind. I am thinking about you'. Make sure you send a chat, or give a call to your spouse today. Make it a daily thing. No body can be tired of receiving a caring chat or a call from someone they love.
4: Give your spouse a Hug: Hugging is fast disappearing in many marriages today. It has been researched that, hugging is one of the emotional needs of every human being. It is scarcity of spousal hug that makes many men to hug ladies who are not their wives indiscriminately. Many women too crave for hugs and they allow every Tom and Jerry to hug them because their husbands are not giving them hug. It might be in the morning, or at night, let no day pass without hugging your spouse. It is one valuable thing you must give your spouse. It could be a welcoming hug, a goodbye hug, an appreciating hug, affirmative hug. Hugging is a non verbal means of communication. Use it well. Don't let your husband or wife crave for hug from strangers when you are still alive. Hug passionately! Hug romantically.
5. Give your spouse a smile: God smiles on a home when couples smile at each other. A smile is a way of telling your spouse, 'You delight me', 'Your presence amuses me', 'I am pleased with you'. Frowning at your spouse is not a thing that should last a whole day. One of the way to know your marriage is SMELLING is when you are not SMILING with each other. Smile. It is one of the best gifts you can give your spouse in a day. I love to smile alot and I love to see my Queen smile. I don't like people who are not generous with their smile. It is free. You don't need to pay to smile. Just relax your muscles and smile. Couples, smile , keep smiling! To prevent your marriage from smelling, keep smiling with your spouse.
6: Give your spouse Peace of mind: The home is the end-point of every thing we do daily. Let me explain it this way. If you are a doctor, you can't sleep in the hospital all the days of your life. You will need to come home. If you are an engineer, you can't sleep in the site all days. If you are a lawyer, you can't sleep in the bar all days. Even as a pastor, you can't be in the Church 24/7. We all must go back home. Home is the end point. So, if your spouse will be excited to come home, it must be a peaceful home. Stop nagging, fighting, insulting, abusing , threatening, and humiliating your spouse. Give him rest of mind. Give your wife rest of mind. Be the head of your wife sir, not the headache of your wife. Madam, be a wife , and not a 'knife' to your husband. Blessed are the couples that give each other peace of mind daily!
7: Give your spouse a prayer : No matter how wealthy or highly connected you are, there are things you can not do for your spouse. You are limited. One of the ways to show love to your spouse is to commit him/her to the unlimited God. Say a word of prayer to your spouse daily. Every other things may fail and may not work. But no force can withstand the power of prayer. You can't heal your spouse, only God can heal him/her. You can lengthen the days of your spouse. Only God can do that. You can't save your spouse. You can't take away addiction and evil habits from your spouse , only God can do that for him/her. Pray to God. Mention the name of your husband/wife to God. As a man, you are the priest of your family, lay your hands on your wife, or hold her hands and say a word of prayer to her life. It is a major gift many couples find so difficult to give each other. Blessed is that wife whose husband gives a gift of prayer daily. (Visevisa).
Pray for your spouse if you don't want him/her to become a prey in the hand of the devil.
All this seven things you must give your spouse daily are very easy, simple, free and important. Put them on your 'to-do-list'. Don't forget to give it. Remember, givers never lack. If you give your spouse all these, I can assure you that, there is a high assurance that you will get it back.
I love your marriage. The joy of your family is my priority.
Share to bless a family. Share, don't plagarise it.
Written by :
© Ebenezer Diyaolu
It's a piece written by a good friend.
SEVEN THINGS YOU SHOULD GIVE YOUR SPOUSE DAILY: When it comes to giving,many married people are generous to everybody except their spouses. There are seven things you should give your spouse daily. This are not weekly , monthly or annual giving. They are things you must give your spouse daily. Let's see them:
1. Give your spouse a touch: One of the ways to bond with your spouse is to give him or her a touch. We have encouragement touch, affirmation touch, healing touch, apology touch, and we have sexual touch. Study your partners and know what touch to give at a particular time. If you want God to touch your marriage, touch your spouse. Don't let today go like that without touching your partner.
2. Give your spouse a Space: As much as you need to bond with your spouse and be together for daily intimacy, communication, affection, planning, etc ,yet, you still need to give your spouse his /her space. There is time for couples prayers, time for couples bonding. Also there is time for personal prayer, personal meditation, personal rest, personal planing, etc. Don't choke your spouse. Don't be over- possessive and over demanding to your spouse. Stop unnecessary policing and monitoring. Give your spouse a space they need when they need it.
3: Give your spouse a call/ chat: Some people can chat with all the contacts on their phones & all the friends on their friends list on Facebook. But they will never chat or call their spouse throughout the day. Chatting or calling your spouse in a day at work is a way of saying, 'Dear, despite my busy schedule, I have you in mind. I am thinking about you'. Make sure you send a chat, or give a call to your spouse today. Make it a daily thing. No body can be tired of receiving a caring chat or a call from someone they love.
4: Give your spouse a Hug: Hugging is fast disappearing in many marriages today. It has been researched that, hugging is one of the emotional needs of every human being. It is scarcity of spousal hug that makes many men to hug ladies who are not their wives indiscriminately. Many women too crave for hugs and they allow every Tom and Jerry to hug them because their husbands are not giving them hug. It might be in the morning, or at night, let no day pass without hugging your spouse. It is one valuable thing you must give your spouse. It could be a welcoming hug, a goodbye hug, an appreciating hug, affirmative hug. Hugging is a non verbal means of communication. Use it well. Don't let your husband or wife crave for hug from strangers when you are still alive. Hug passionately! Hug romantically.
5. Give your spouse a smile: God smiles on a home when couples smile at each other. A smile is a way of telling your spouse, 'You delight me', 'Your presence amuses me', 'I am pleased with you'. Frowning at your spouse is not a thing that should last a whole day. One of the way to know your marriage is SMELLING is when you are not SMILING with each other. Smile. It is one of the best gifts you can give your spouse in a day. I love to smile alot and I love to see my Queen smile. I don't like people who are not generous with their smile. It is free. You don't need to pay to smile. Just relax your muscles and smile. Couples, smile , keep smiling! To prevent your marriage from smelling, keep smiling with your spouse.
6: Give your spouse Peace of mind: The home is the end-point of every thing we do daily. Let me explain it this way. If you are a doctor, you can't sleep in the hospital all the days of your life. You will need to come home. If you are an engineer, you can't sleep in the site all days. If you are a lawyer, you can't sleep in the bar all days. Even as a pastor, you can't be in the Church 24/7. We all must go back home. Home is the end point. So, if your spouse will be excited to come home, it must be a peaceful home. Stop nagging, fighting, insulting, abusing , threatening, and humiliating your spouse. Give him rest of mind. Give your wife rest of mind. Be the head of your wife sir, not the headache of your wife. Madam, be a wife , and not a 'knife' to your husband. Blessed are the couples that give each other peace of mind daily!
7: Give your spouse a prayer : No matter how wealthy or highly connected you are, there are things you can not do for your spouse. You are limited. One of the ways to show love to your spouse is to commit him/her to the unlimited God. Say a word of prayer to your spouse daily. Every other things may fail and may not work. But no force can withstand the power of prayer. You can't heal your spouse, only God can heal him/her. You can lengthen the days of your spouse. Only God can do that. You can't save your spouse. You can't take away addiction and evil habits from your spouse , only God can do that for him/her. Pray to God. Mention the name of your husband/wife to God. As a man, you are the priest of your family, lay your hands on your wife, or hold her hands and say a word of prayer to her life. It is a major gift many couples find so difficult to give each other. Blessed is that wife whose husband gives a gift of prayer daily. (Visevisa).
Pray for your spouse if you don't want him/her to become a prey in the hand of the devil.
All this seven things you must give your spouse daily are very easy, simple, free and important. Put them on your 'to-do-list'. Don't forget to give it. Remember, givers never lack. If you give your spouse all these, I can assure you that, there is a high assurance that you will get it back.
I love your marriage. The joy of your family is my priority.
Share to bless a family. Share, don't plagarise it.
Written by :
© Ebenezer Diyaolu
Thursday, 1 June 2017
10 Crucial and Surprising Steps to Build Trust in a Relationship: PART 3
I want to believe you're enjoying this series so far, I'm because the contributor of this piece is a great guy. Do read on.
5. Be very very careful of keeping secrets. If he knows there is an elephant in the room and doesn’t talk about it, the elephant takes up tremendous space in the relationship. It takes energy for him to walk around it.
She may not see the elephant but knows he is bending his neck to look around something. She will be curious, mildly disturbed, have feelings but no words to wrap around them, might wonder if something is wrong with her or struggle with trusting her intuition (her intuition KNOWS an elephant is there.) And, when we can’t trust the messages that come from within us, we find it very difficult to trust the messages of the other person.
Secrets demand tremendous energy and erode trust. The relationship is doomed never to experience wall-banging intimacy. This is why extramarital affairs are so damaging. She is not so much concerned about him having sex with someone else as she is about the betrayal, lack of trust, the secrets and deception that are crazy making and energy draining.
Now, please. I’m not saying that you sit your partner down and divulge the 23 secrets of your illicit past behaviors. If you have resolved those, i.e. forgiven yourself, understand those behaviors, learned from them and were able to use them to make the internal shifts necessary for your personal development, they do not qualify as an elephant.
Hopefully, in the course of growing intimacy in your relationship you may want to share some of those events as you disclose to your partner where you were and where you are now. You do so without emotional charge. However, if a secret takes up room, i.e. still has an emotional charge and holds you back from disclosing more and more of yourself in the growing stages of intimacy, you have a problem that needs to be addressed with your partner.
6. Let YOUR needs be known – loudly. Be a little – no, be a lot – self-centered. (Be self-centered, but not selfish!) Here’s a problem I run into almost every day. He is backing away (perhaps attached to work, another person, etc.). She feels the trust and intimacy eroding, is scared and wants to “win him back.” So she begins an all out effort to “work on the marriage.” She invites him to do so as well.
He may reluctantly agree. She blasts full throttle ahead trying to “be nice” and meet every need he ever said he had. She’s going to “fill his tank with goodies.” Doesn’t work. Her eyes are riveted on him. He feels “smothered” or maybe even resentful: “Why is she doing this NOW!” She’s hopeful, but eventually that turns to resentment. Her underlying motive – if I meet his needs, he will feel good and meet mine – just doesn’t work. It’s perceived as manipulation, which it is. Of course, he doesn’t say anything.
After all, how do you get angry with someone who is so “nice and caring?” Trust disintegrates under a blanket of quiet niceties. Start with your eyes focused on YOU. What do YOU need? Explore your personal need system. Dig beneath the surface. And then say to him: “I need x, y and z. I would like to talk to you about them. I would like us to work out a way so my needs are met. Are you open to that?” He is empowered to say yes or no. Or, he may say, “What about my needs?” You respond, “I am very interested in hearing what is important to you, certainly.”
Have you ever been around someone who stated clearly what they needed/wanted? Didn’t you respect that person? Because you knew where he stood, and therefore where you stood, didn’t that interaction move toward a trusting relationship?
Keep your marriage fresh here:
https://bit.ly/2KAWiw8
5. Be very very careful of keeping secrets. If he knows there is an elephant in the room and doesn’t talk about it, the elephant takes up tremendous space in the relationship. It takes energy for him to walk around it.
She may not see the elephant but knows he is bending his neck to look around something. She will be curious, mildly disturbed, have feelings but no words to wrap around them, might wonder if something is wrong with her or struggle with trusting her intuition (her intuition KNOWS an elephant is there.) And, when we can’t trust the messages that come from within us, we find it very difficult to trust the messages of the other person.
Secrets demand tremendous energy and erode trust. The relationship is doomed never to experience wall-banging intimacy. This is why extramarital affairs are so damaging. She is not so much concerned about him having sex with someone else as she is about the betrayal, lack of trust, the secrets and deception that are crazy making and energy draining.
Now, please. I’m not saying that you sit your partner down and divulge the 23 secrets of your illicit past behaviors. If you have resolved those, i.e. forgiven yourself, understand those behaviors, learned from them and were able to use them to make the internal shifts necessary for your personal development, they do not qualify as an elephant.
Hopefully, in the course of growing intimacy in your relationship you may want to share some of those events as you disclose to your partner where you were and where you are now. You do so without emotional charge. However, if a secret takes up room, i.e. still has an emotional charge and holds you back from disclosing more and more of yourself in the growing stages of intimacy, you have a problem that needs to be addressed with your partner.
6. Let YOUR needs be known – loudly. Be a little – no, be a lot – self-centered. (Be self-centered, but not selfish!) Here’s a problem I run into almost every day. He is backing away (perhaps attached to work, another person, etc.). She feels the trust and intimacy eroding, is scared and wants to “win him back.” So she begins an all out effort to “work on the marriage.” She invites him to do so as well.
He may reluctantly agree. She blasts full throttle ahead trying to “be nice” and meet every need he ever said he had. She’s going to “fill his tank with goodies.” Doesn’t work. Her eyes are riveted on him. He feels “smothered” or maybe even resentful: “Why is she doing this NOW!” She’s hopeful, but eventually that turns to resentment. Her underlying motive – if I meet his needs, he will feel good and meet mine – just doesn’t work. It’s perceived as manipulation, which it is. Of course, he doesn’t say anything.
After all, how do you get angry with someone who is so “nice and caring?” Trust disintegrates under a blanket of quiet niceties. Start with your eyes focused on YOU. What do YOU need? Explore your personal need system. Dig beneath the surface. And then say to him: “I need x, y and z. I would like to talk to you about them. I would like us to work out a way so my needs are met. Are you open to that?” He is empowered to say yes or no. Or, he may say, “What about my needs?” You respond, “I am very interested in hearing what is important to you, certainly.”
Have you ever been around someone who stated clearly what they needed/wanted? Didn’t you respect that person? Because you knew where he stood, and therefore where you stood, didn’t that interaction move toward a trusting relationship?
Keep your marriage fresh here:
https://bit.ly/2KAWiw8
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)